1991-08-28 - Underground Tour
Sundial, Noon
Ladies and Gentlemen, and those of you who still can't findCarman, back despite the largest freshman class in Columbia history, theCleverest Band in the world, the Columbia University DisorientationPrecision Marching 5000.[Fanfare]
J. Joe Schwartz - Crew Chief
J. Rob Perle - Boundary Breaker, and
J. Henry Sieff - launching his own counteroffensive against the war on drugs.[Fanfare]And featuring... freshmen entering their first years andfirst-years entering their first freshmen, welcomes itself back tobeautiful, bucolic, urbane, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic, CollegeWalk where we're sure that you'll now be shown the side of Columbia that the admissions office never dared nor cared to tell youabout... [Play Who Owns New York. Walk to Hamilton Hall.]This is Hamilton Hall where a protest a few years back foundColumbia in a double moral dilemma after a financial disclosure formrevealed that the University owned stock in a prophylactic company withholdings in South Africa. Many students expressed outrage and demandedthat Columbia PULL OUT before matters COME to a CLIMAX. President Soverntermed it a particularly STICKY situation and maintained that the studentshad no CONCEPTION of the issues IN HAND. He then went on to call theprotest a deception, a veritable TROJAN horse --- How can the studentshave sincere empathy with South Africans, given their own SHEIK Upper-Westside LIFESTYLES. The Trustees were careful not to bring this matter tothe attention of the then College Dean Leora Netter, fearing it mightRUBBER the wrong way. How much more of this RIBBING can you take? Willyou allow the Band to continuously RAMSES jokes down your throats? Well,before you start foaming at the mouth, the Band will play, (I Can't GetNo) Satisfaction. [Play Satisfaction. Walk to Van Am Quad.]Many buildings on the campus were named after distinguished alumniof the College such as Alexander Hamilton, Sam Philosophy, DaveMathematics, and Joe East Campus. To your right is Wallach Hall. It usedto be called Livingston Hall, just like Wien Hall used to be JohnsonHall. You see, Samuel Johnson and Robert Livingston were Columbia alumniwho signed the Declaration of Independence, while Larry Wien and IraWallach were Columbia alumni who signed some REALLY big checks. In honorof these great alumni...and their checkbooks we will now (attempt to)play Big Spender. [Play Big Spender. Walk across Butler to F.B.H.]At this point of the tour, we we're going to do a joke aboutFerris Booth Hall, but since you've already been inside of it...it's justnot necessary. [Move up path to Journalism Hall.] The Journalism Building you see before you was built with a grantfrom Joseph Pulitzer who obviously gave enough money to have the buildingbuilt, but not enough to have it named after him. Columbia's most recentsuccessful athlete, Lou Gehrig, used to play baseball on a field where John Jaynow stands. Legend has it that Lou Gehrig hit a home run and broke that window{Band points to various windows} in the Journalism Building. To commemoratethis historic event we will now play one of our favorites...Wipeout![Play Wipeout!. Move to Dodge Hall.]This is Dodge Hall. It is home of Columbia's finest musicians, aswell as some members of the Marching Band. This building, however, is notentirely devoted to music -- It also houses several moderncomposers...We'll wait for you to get that one. This building alsohouses the film school which is chaired by Milos Foreman who, as you mayrecall, directed the award-winning film Amadeus, Some critics havedescribed the film which depicts the rivalry between Mozart and Scalieri asa brilliant portrayal of a contest between two artists. Others simplysee it as a case of pianist envy. In honor of conceptual art the Bandwill now play their rendition of John Gage's 4'33". [Band stands around looking puzzled. Move to Barnard gates.]This is Barnard College![Pause. Then play Who Owns New York. Move to Earl Hall.]This is Earl Hall. It houses many of the organizations that F.B.H.refuses to, such as religious and political groups. In recent yearsF.B.H. has tried to push the Marching Band into Earl Hall, but who wouldwant to be in the same building with those weirdo, liberal, radical,alfalfa-eating, tie-dye wearing, arch-Conservative, Fundamentalist,liberal, nihilistic, peace-loving, tree-worshipping, liberal, Satanistic,born-again, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, liberal, white supremacist,black power, Jewish, Christian, Hindu, Muslim, agnostic, liberal,whale-saving, fur-wearing, seal-loving, baby-killing right to lifers! Inhonor of the diversity which we didn't want to be a part of, the Band nowplays. Why? Because we like you! [Play Mickey Mouse Move to Uris Hall.]This is Uris Hall. Home of the Graduate School of Business. Thebuilding said to portray the economic realities of the business worldbecause it looks like a cheap Japanese transistor radio and the sculpturein front of it resembles a bent paperclip. [Move to front of Avery Hall.]Behind us is the brand-spanking new Schapiro Center for PhysicalScience and Engineering Research. It represents yet another escalation inthe battle between Morris Schapiro and Larry Wien to see who can get moreof the campus named after him. Rumor has it, that in yet another effortto save money, the University built the Schapiro Center with the bricksthat kept falling off East Campus. In honor of one more architecturalmonstrosity we would now like to play Pink Floyd's Another Brick in theWall, but, since we can't, we'll now play, for the 712th consecutive time, IHear You Knocking But You Can't Come In. [Play Knocking... Move to Tooth on Revson Plaza]Hey Boys and Girls! What time is it?{Band answers "It's time to turn the tooth"}[Turn tooth. Move to Greene Hall.]This statue is one of many that grace the Columbia campus. It iscalled Pegasus Taming Bellerephon, but is more commonly known as PegasusGiving Birth to Bellerephon. It's strange that they would put such a workin front of the Graduate Law School, as it depicts an act that is illegal in thirty-sevenstates, and the District of Columbia. We will now play ,for no apparent reason, Tequila![Play Tequila. Move to Alma Mater.]This is Low Library, the administrative nerve center of theUniversity. Notice the dome bears a striking resemblance to PresidentSovern's head. A few years ago, there was a great controversy over aChristmas nativity scene some students wanted to erect on Low Plaza. Thetrustees overruled the plan saying that they did not want to brushtradition by having wise men anywhere near Low Library. Well, there you have it. Columbia...an eccentric little place. It's got a sundial that doesn't tell time, a Marching Band that doesn'tmarch, a library that isn't really a library, that houses anadministration that doesn't really, well, you get the idea. One finaltradition that should be mentioned relates to this statue. It is saidthat anyone who can find the owl on Alma Mater is destined to join theBand. Thus we will leave you with one final song and a small hint... [Band points to owl, and plays Sans Souci. Run Away!]